John

We all do things that cause ourselves to fall out of the reach of GOD, or so we think. When this happens all we have to do is ask for a lifeline and GOD will gladly throw it to us. I had a conversation with Miguel today. It was a wonderful conversation. He is such a good friend and mentor. However, I find myself struggling a lot with my faith. Faith in GOD and faith in myself mostly. It is hard to explain and I hate to use a comp-out. I think my depression has some some influence over it. Some days are much worse than others. Even when I have very good days I have moments of doubt. The meds are defiantly helping a great deal. I no longer feel as though I need to flee. Before the meds I would get the feeling like I needed to just run, somewhere, anywhere, bring nothing. Just run and get far away. Maybe to a different state. Maybe to a different country. If I did this I would miss many things about where I am. Judy's good night kisses, Liam's hug good night, helping Ethan on his homework, bath time, Odie purring when I come to bed, Teresa hugging me, and many more things. So many things that I would miss.

I have many things to work on to become the person I need to be. Why can't I have an easy day? All these years I thought I could keep the demons at bay. Lately they have been breaking down the barriers and getting out. Still I have that one demon. That tricky little demon that feeds me with that isn't good enough, you aren't this or you aren't that, you are a bad husband, and you are a failure. Of course, I know I am not but this feeling seems to be growing. It seems the more I try the worse things get. Perhaps it is because I need rest. I'll be better in the morning. I can get some rest then....

Posted in: on Tuesday, April 28, 2009 at at 7:37 PM 10 comments  

Last night I got a TON of work done on the tribalinc website. Miguel is very ecstatic, for me it is not a big deal. It does really look nice though. Big thanks to Miguel for all the hard work he puts into the graphics. He helps me in so many ways.

Today has been a good day. Teresa called me and was happy all day. She had a Judy day and enjoyed her time with our daughter. :D

I had a good day at work. Typical Friday stuff. Coke is not on sale so it is slow for me. I am glad. It is about time. We have been on sale for weeks. It gets on my nerves. They changed my schedule so I am going to have easier Saturdays now. I am grateful. My Saturdays are very hard on me. I know my shoulder feels it for a few days after.

Wednesday I had lunch with a couple friends. It was nice. I had to have a take along (Judy). She was being silly the whole time, picking on Miguel and flirting with the old women at the next table. I think she thinks all old people are her grandparents. How fun it is to be four years old.

Posted in: on Friday, April 24, 2009 at at 3:30 PM 2 comments  

Although I had to work a LONG time today and had to sign an almost write up; I had a much better day.

Judy had her very first baseball game today. I had to work and I missed it as the rest of her games because I work every Saturday. It is a bunch of crap but I guess it will be ok. Anyways she had a blast from what Teresa said. I will have to check out the pictures she took. :D

Thats it for now.

Posted in: on Saturday, April 18, 2009 at at 7:13 PM 1 comments  

I had one of those days today. I had a backache all night. I had to sleep almost sitting up all night. (What little sleep I did get.) Then I didn't hear my alarm go off. 20 minutes late getting out of bed. Not too much of a deal. Showered, dressed, brushed teeth, then sat at my PC to check email etc really quick before I hit the road. ISP was out. Grrr. The rest of the day at work seemed like it was going ok. I am on my way to pick up my schedule and my boss calls me all pissed off. Apparently I forgot to fill a display and the salesman had to stock 20 cases. Wouldn't be so bad but he got a couple other calls complaining about me today from what he said. After that I just felt like shit. Too many layoff and people getting fired where I work for me to fuck up like this and lose my job. I am sure I will not get fired because of this but I just have a bad feeling down the road. On top of that I have a headache again. It never seems to go away anymore. Makes me feel like my head is going to explode.

On another note I got a quick note from my friend Antoine. He is french and lives in Paris. He said "hello John a small safety while passing I hopes that you are well" which I think translates to Hello I hope you are going well. His simple notes make me feel good. He knows very little english and translates using Babelfish (Yahoo) to translate. I do the same for him in my notes. (Translating English to French). He is one of the only people on deviantart that comments and visits my page.

Work on the tribalinc.org website is going VERY slow. I feel like I should be doing more faster but the weight is very heavy right now. I hope it lets up soon. Miguel is very patient with me on this and I thank him.

I think this is all till next time.

Posted in: on Friday, April 17, 2009 at at 7:23 PM 3 comments  

I have been thinking of my daughter Bailey a lot the past few weeks. Nothing really in particular, I just miss her a lot. It has been a lot of years since she joined the LORD. Too many years. I keep a lot of photos of her on my phone. Some of my favorite ones of her. I guess it is all I have left, that and memories. I hope they will not fade with time.

My insomnia is getting worse I think. I am so tired all the time. I wake up at least 4 times a night and that is with taking sleep meds EVERY night. Personally I think it is BS but what can you do. I guess it is just one of those things that I am going to have to live with for the rest of my life. There are far worse things to have I guess. Perhaps my depression is part of it. Who really knows.

I have been trying to get motivated to work on the tribalinc website. It has been really hard for me to stay focused on any tasks for more than a few minutes lately. I finally managed to get a couple things done on the website and a couple pictures made for my DJ friend in Dallas. I am supossed to be designing 10 t-shirts for her. I have 2 started so far. It is supossed to be a paid job but money is tight for everyone so it will come when it comes I guess. Not a big deal really. Not like I am going to make a living from it or anything.

Well anyways I guess you can't really get any more random than that.

Posted in: randomness on Saturday, April 11, 2009 at at 5:28 PM 5 comments